


See Yourself In My Eyes

by glam_reaper2



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Also fluff, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Like so much angst, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-The King's Men, Threesome - M/M/M, and SMUT, andrew isn't doing great, falling back in love, idk just read the summary/ first note and maybe this will make sense, neil is just confused, poor kevin, we earnin' that E rating in a few chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:41:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23455690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glam_reaper2/pseuds/glam_reaper2
Summary: Title from "Lost" By Dermot Kennedy - Aka The theme song for this ficKevin was the first to leave. After graduating he signed a contract with a pro team in NY, making his way back to Palmetto at every opportunity.The next year Andrew left, signing with a team in Boston and planning to do the same.It was the summer before his senior year when Neil Josten, alone in Palmetto for the first time and trying to find his groove in the absence of his partners, went for a run...It was the summer when Andrew and Kevin's world came crashing down...Side note: this fic is ENTIRELY medically inaccurate. Don’t @me I’m writing it for the angst ™️
Relationships: Kevin Day/Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 101
Kudos: 233





	1. I know you'd never leave me behind, but I am lost this time

**Author's Note:**

> Alrightyyyyyy, So. This is my first AFTG fic.
> 
> A few things before we start. I got this idea today while straightening my hair because I haven't been able to get the OT3 out of my head and I swear I've read every freaking Kandriel fic I can find. 
> 
> The characters are a bit OOC and I'm well aware, I'm operating on the assumption that they've learned how to communicate a bit better because of Long-distance and later circumstance kinda forcing them to be adults. That being said they are all rightfully still fucked up, though Andrew talks a lot this first chapter bc *DRAMA*
> 
> I'm working on the plot now, and crawling my way through this whole story line so I wont lie and tell you I know where it's all going but I do know it will end in a good place. This is a story of falling back in love, chosen family, and finding joy. 
> 
> Real quick note about me: I love italics and dramatic page breaks *jazz hands* so be prepared for that. I'm extra. Anyways I hope you don't hate this <3 I'm on tumblr at ruhndanaantrash

“Kevin,” Andrew’s voice was hollow and Kevin held his breath. He’d waited a year for this call, because that’s what it had to be. Nearly every night for 12 months he woke from a cold sweat, the nightmare of this call still swimming in the forefront of his mind. The only occasions he was granted a reprieve were when Andrew was with him, and even then Andrew wasn’t always enough to hold them at bay. His hand shook as he fought to keep the phone to his ear, tears already threatening to spill down his face as he waited for confirmation, _he’s dead_.

“He’s awake.”

The phone fell from his hand, clattering against the cement floor of the locker room. A sob ripped from his throat.

Kevin Day fell to his knees after it.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_12 months and 5 days earlier…_ **

_It was pouring, a southern summer storm ripping its way across the campus. Neil tucked his head into the hood of his, well Andrew’s, sweatshirt. The music in his headphones barely audible over the deluge threatening to drown him before he could make it back to the stadium. He’d been a mile out from the Foxhole court, on a run before his evening practice with the team. The storm had been unexpected, thunderclouds darkening the sky within minutes. Neil was running with all he had towards the stadium. He checked his watch; 4 minutes, he chanted in his head. It would take him 4 minutes at a full sprint to be somewhere dry. His legs pumping, blood thrumming in his veins, Neil pressed on._

_The bright white walls of the Foxhole court rose before him, a beacon of warmth against the storm, thank fuck, he thought, nearly there. He looked down to his watch a second time. If he pushed just a little harder he’d break his mile record. A sharp grin broke across his face and he cut across Perimeter road, adrenaline coursing through his system._

_Neil Josten never saw the car._

_The driver, a freshman recording a snap of the storm through her windshield, saw the black hooded figure a second too late._

_200 yards from the Foxhole court._

_12 seconds from breaking a record._

_8 seconds of a Snapchat._

_1 endless scream in a storm._

_1 boy lying in the street, blood soaking into his auburn hair._

_1 phone ringing just out of reach, the name on the screen: Andrew._

_Flashing…. Flashing…_

_(1) Missed Call: Andrew_

_(1) New Voicemail:_

_“Hey Junkie, Facetime tonight. Queen has news.”_

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“DAY!” Andrew screamed for a third time, the Bluetooth in the Maserati broadcasting the sound of Kevin sobbing and fumbling with the phone on the other end.

“He’s really..” Kevin croaked, “ He’s awake? _Oh my god.._ ”

He’d been in his car on the way to the stadium when his phone rang _Columbia General_. Summer practice for his pro team had begun a few weeks prior and, though he’d never admit it, he was grateful for the distraction. This had been the longest year of his life, which was truly saying something when one looked at all that Andrew Minyard had been through up until this point. After the accident Kevin and him had stayed together, though it was rarely easy. Neil had been their glue in a way, not that Andrew had loved either of his partners more or less than the other. It was just that Neil had brought them all together. And, without him, without both halves of his heart safe, things were… off.

There was a clear hole in every aspect of their lives, his and Kevin’s. When they were apart they still spoke only in the groupchat on their phone, both of them secretly hoping that Neil would join in on the conversation with a witty remark or stupid cat video. Both of them willfully ignored that he wasn’t ever going to respond, but they couldn’t stop. Texting just each other seemed wrong, it felt like forgetting. It felt like breaking a promise. Like giving up.

When they were together they found joy in their own ways, moving with practiced synchronicity. They went on dates, read in comfortable silence- alone together- and found solace in the warmth of each other’s bodies. When they slept, they slept leaving space on Kevin’s right side for a ghost. Neither willing to breach that third of the bed, and religiously avoiding mentioning it. There were pictures of the three of them littering both of their apartments, Andrew’s in Boston and Kevin’s in New York. Neil had insisted that they all had copies of the same pictures. _“So you don’t forget me when you’re off playing pro and I’m stuck in Palmetto with a bunch of children.”_

“I’m on my way to the airport now. I need you to pull your shit together, get in a fucking car, and get to Columbia as soon as possible.”

“I am, I’m going, I- _Fuck!_ ” Kevin was a mess, the sound of gear being ripped off and a locker slamming open in the background. “I can’t even, Andrew I-”

“Kevin, breathe” a command. The panicked rustling stopped. A deep inhale, and a longer exhale pouring through the car speakers. “Good, now grab your phone, charger, wallet and keys. You have everything else you need at the house.”

“O-okay.”

“Listen to me Day.” Andrew waited for a beat before continuing to make sure Kevin was paying attention. “You’re going to go to the airport. You’re going to get a ticket. You’re going to call your coach from the gate and you’re going to calm the fuck down, do you understand me?” Andrew couldn’t remember the last time he’d said this many words aloud to anyone. He was fucking exhausted, foot pressing the gas pedal to the floor as he flew towards the airprort. 1 more exit and he’d be that much closer to Neil. His usual anxiety about flying all but forgotten.

“I understand.”

“Good. Because right now he’s alone, in a hospital, surrounded by strangers. We owe it to him to keep it together.”

“Okay,” Kevin sighed. “I’m 20 minutes out from JFK. I’ll call when I have my ticket.”

“Good.” Andrew reached to cut off the call, he needed to think, but was stopped short by the sound of Kevin’s voice.

“I love you.” He sounded so small, Andrew's heart clenched painfully inside his chest.

“You too.” And he hung up, just as he pulled into a long-term parking spot. Knuckles white, hands strangling the life from the steering wheel, he took a deep breath.

_1….2….3….4._

Held it until he felt his heart start to calm, then slowly let it out. He exited the car quickly after, waiting only long enough to hear the horn confirm it was locked.

And then Andrew ran.


	2. When everything was broken, the Devil hit his second stride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooooooo, So first and foremost I am overwhelmed and beyond grateful to the response on that first chapter. Thank y'all, from the bottom of my heart for all your comments/kudos/ taking the time to read <3
> 
> As we move on with this story I just wanted to remind y'all of a few things: I am clearly not a medical professional and I'm FULLY aware that literally nothing in this fic is accurate. I'm just here for the Angst, and so we have my fake-ass medical miracles, and un-explainable feats of physical prowess. Just let the bull shit drama wash over you and ignore the fact that none of this is possible lolol.
> 
> Anyways, here we goooooooo! Chapter two. I've had a blast writing this today. I've been locked inside for 24 days and so this is like the only thing getting me through. I hope y'all enjoy and please remember to stay safe <3
> 
> TW: Neil has a raging panic attack in this chapter, and mentions his scars (cannon scars).

**_Three months after the accident…._ **

_Neil's doctor sat the both of them down to “talk about their options.” Only Kevin’s hand on his shoulder, the thought of him being all alone if Andrew was arrested, had kept him from slitting the good Doctor’s throat when she spoke of moving to a long-term hospice center. “He could still wake up,” Kevin said, voice barely above a whisper._

_“He could, but Mr. Day as I’ve mentioned before, the chances of that are, I’m sorry to say, slim.”_

_Andrew’s whole body shook with barely constrained rage, his eyes alight with righteous fury. He spared only a brief glance to confirm what he expected to see on Kevin’s face. Devastation._

_“He stays here.” Andrew growled._

_“Mr. Miny-”_

_“He. Stays. Here.” Andrew held her stare, unwavering in his commitment to this. Neil would be in the care of the best doctors in the state until the moment he woke up, because he would wake up. He had to wake up, there was no alternative. Kevin was already breaking, without Neil it would all fall apart. Andrew grasped hope by the throat and held on for dear life._

\-------------------------------------------------------------

When Kevin landed he rented a car at the airport and made his way as quickly as possible to Columbia General. Andrew had called him from the airport in Boston, by some stroke of luck their planes were landing within 10 minutes of each other. Andrew had insisted Kevin have his own car for emergencies, and so he could get there as quickly as possible. Kevin had nearly made it to the door of the hospital when a black rental sporting a blonde driver screamed past him, throwing itself into an illegal parking spot. In a blink Andrew was out of the car and running, another blink and he was in front of Kevin.

“Deep breath,” he said, though Kevin wasn’t sure if it was more for his own sake or Andrew’s at this point.

“Deep breath,” Kevin repeated. They took a moment, staring at the doors of Columbia General.

It hadn’t been more than a few weeks since either of them had been here. They each visited twice a month, alternating weeks so Neil always had a visitor for a few days. They knew the other Foxes within close distance stopped by when they could. Wymack and Robin made weekly visits to tell him all about the season/ whatever gossip there was within the Fox family.

Kevin slid his large hand into Andrews, fingers lacing they walked forward, through the sliding doors, and toward the love of their lives.

\----------------------------------------------------

**_A week after the accident…._ **

_Ichirou Moriyama wasn’t a man to be trifled with. He’d heard of the accident from Kevin directly, before it even broke on the local evening news. He had given them a month, given Neil a month, to wake. If at which point he wasn’t awake, he determined a contract negotiation was in order. Kevin had had a panic attack on the bathroom floor of the Columbia house following that phone call. And though Andrew did his best, Kevin could feel his heart beating just as rapidly._

_“What the fuck are we gonna do?” Kevin asked after an hour, they still hadn’t moved from the tiled floor. A ‘contract negotiation’ was a kind way, they both knew, of saying that a failed investment such as Neil was useless to the Moriyama empire, and therefore void._

_“I’ll handle it.”_

_“Andrew, what are you going to do? You can’t change his mind, you can’t take him on.” Kevin had begun to lose himself again, “I- I can’t lose you too Andrew, I can’t. Don’t- you can’t- “_

_A firm hand found its way to the back of his neck, grasping tightly and forcing his head between his knees. Within moments his breath began to even-out once more and Andrew spoke, a calm fury coloring his voice. “I said I’d handle it. I’m not going anywhere. Now, breathe.”_

_Days passed and Neil showed no signs of waking, though the Doctors explained that his brain activity seemed normal, none of them could explain why exactly he was still comatose. “These things can take some time, don’t lose hope” they said. It was hard not to, and yet Kevin would never lose hope. He would die before he ever gave up on Neil._

_He sat with him all day, listening to the rhythm of his heart monitor and doing his best to crawl through notes/ team play-book. He wanted a drink, more than he had in as long as he could remember. He’d been too preoccupied with Neil’s well being the last week and a half, the surgery to reduce swelling and the endless meetings with doctors, coaches, friends and family. But here, a week and a half since he’d gotten that first call, that ‘Mr. Day? Yes, I’m sorry but there’s been an accident’ call, he craved a drink. He took his chip out of his pocket, flipping it over and over his knuckles. He watched as the ‘3’ glinted in the sun with each rotation, the reflection glancing off Neil’s face. Kevin continued spinning the chip as he drank in the sleeping man in front of him, the man who had fought so hard to get him sober after they’d beat Riko and the Ravens in the championship. He’d hated him then, even though he knew Neil was right, even though he was falling in love with him._

_5 months after he received his 30 day chip Neil had Kissed him, and Andrew had followed suit. He’d been so shocked. The dream kept in his heart for months, through all his worst days, finally realized. He looked at Neil now, and knew that no matter how bad things were he wouldn’t let him down; Let himself down. He slid the chip back into his pocket at the same moment he heard the door. Andrew stood in the jamb, eyes trained on Kevin’s hand that had previously held the chip, he wondered if Andrew had seen it through the small window in the door before he’d entered._

_Andrew broke the silence, and turned to walk towards the bed, eyes now fixed on Neil. “It’s handled,” He said, his voice was nearly a whisper as he reached to brush a lock of auburn hair from Neil’s forehead._

_“What did you do?” Kevin’s voice shook and he rose from his seat to stand opposite Andrew, grasping Neil’s hand in his own._

_“I wasn’t going to wait a month. I wasn’t going to gamble.”_

_“Andrew…”_

_“I reached out to Ichirou and I took his place.”_

_“What do you mean ‘took his place’?”_

_Andrew looked to Kevin now, annoyance clear. “I mean, that I traded Neil’s promise. I told Ichirou I would pay the tithe, and made it clear that since it’s my first pro-season he’d be getting an extra year.”_

_“You.. it worked? You saved him?” Kevin’s voice broke when Andrew’s head bobbed once to confirm. On trembling legs he moved to the other side of the bed. “Yes or No?”_

_“Yes,” Andrew loosed a breath and Kevin grasped each side of his face, bringing his mouth to Andrew’s in a bruising kiss._

_“Thank you,” Kevin whispered against his hair. “Thank you.”_

\----------------------------------------------------------

Hand in hand, Kevin and Andrew made their way to the information desk. A nurse they didn’t recognize sat behind it and looked up when Andrew cleared his throat.

In a bubbly southern voice she asked, “Hello gentlemen, how can I help you?”

“We’re here for Neil Josten,” Andrew spoke in a no-nonsense manner.

Kevin followed up that near-demand with a polite, almost giddy smile and added “We’re here every other week ma’am, if we can just get our passes we’ll be on our way.”

The nurse looked to them then, and cleared her throat awkwardly. Instead of reaching for the sign in sheet as they normally would, she pushed back from her desk and stood. “If you’ll just give me a minute, I’ll be right with you.” Her voice was uncomfortable, and higher than it had been before.

Andrew cocked his head, eyes zeroing in on her form as she hurried through the door behind the counter. “Something’s wrong.” He growled. Kevin’s heart began to beat triple time, he wiped his sweating palms against his sweatpants, and inched closer to Andrew’s side.

What felt like a lifetime, but was in fact 1 minute and 30 seconds later, the nurse came through the door to their right flanked by two men in police uniforms. Kevin’s knees buckled and he moved his left hand to Andrew’s shoulder. Half to hold himself up, and half to keep him back.

“Mr. Minyard, Mr. Day?” Kevin nodded numbly, he felt Andrew go rigid beneath him.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“Mr. Minyard, I’m Officer Gr-”

“I don’t give a fuck what your name is. Where. Is. Neil.” It wasn’t a question, and Kevin’s eyes darted between the blonde to his left and the officers in front of him.

“Sir, I’m going to need you to calm down. If you’d just follow-”

“No. Tell us what is going on.” His voice was cold. The officers exchanged a _look_ , a silent conversation, before the second answered.

“It seems Mr. Josten is missing.”

“ _Missing?_ ” Kevin choked.

“Details. Now.” Andrew wasn’t fucking around, his body shaking with unspent rage.

“When Mr. Josten woke up this afternoon he was checked by his team, that would have been at-” the second officer looked to his notepad then back up, “12:42 est. The medical staff report that at 12:48 you received a call from his primary, one Doctor Herrera. When she returned to his room to facilitate further testing they found his room empty. He’d removed his IVs and taken off.”

“ _Jesus christ_ ,” Kevin breathed.

The officers nodded their agreement, “Security was called immediately and covered the hospital from top to bottom. They found Mr. Josten’s hospital bracelet outside the ambulance bay. He wasn’t wearing shoes, and was in-” again he checked his pad, “-Black track pants, a large black hoodie-” (Probably Kevin’s, he noted dully) “and a pair of socks. Hospital cameras have him stumbling west off the premises towards Grand. That’s where we lost sight of him.”

“How was he even _walking?_ ” Kevin demanded, “He hasn’t been awake in a year and his PT has done their best, but that shouldn’t be possible. You’re telling us, a man with the coordination of a _newborn_ , somehow slipped your fucking cameras?” As he said it he realized that, if anyone was capable of performing such a feat, it would be Neil. He looked at Andrew who’s face said he was thinking the same thing.

“Do you have any new information?” Andrew asked, voice devoid of all but an icy wrath. The officers exchanged a third look, and the nurse took a step away from the blonde.

“No sir. We have half the department out looking for him, he’s a high priority case. We were hoping you two might have an idea where he’d go?”

Andrew didn’t dignify that with a response. Instead, he grabbed Kevin by the elbow and dragged him from the hospital. The officers called their names, and Kevin turned to yell over his shoulder, “We’ll call the department when we find him.” He hoped silently that the officers would get their contact information from the hospital, and stumbled into Andrew’s rental.

“You gonna tell me what the fuck you’re doing? They’re only trying to help. We don’t know where he is. We need them.” Kevin tried to tamp down his anger, bringing his chip out of his pocket to roll down his knuckles, a nervous habit, as he bored holes into the side of Andrew’s face.

“We don’t. The last time Neil ran from Columbia, where’d he go?”

“Palmetto.”

Andrew nodded. “Palmetto. If he has 4 hours head start, and follows his old pattern, he’ll be there. The junkie is nothing if not predictable.”

“Should we call my dad? Maybe him and Abby can head to campus, see if they can find him?” Kevin asked before remembering. “Wait, _Fuck._ They’re at the fucking cabin.” Wymack and Abby had decided to spend the week at a cabin 2 hours north, they’d be at least that far behind; Especially considering the way Andrew was driving at the moment. “I’m calling them anyways.”

In all the commotion Kevin had yet to tell his dad Neil was awake. If he was being honest, it wasn’t because he’d forgotten. It was a decision born of a selfish need to have his partner back for a little while, before the circus. He was regretting that choice now. Pocketing his chip, he pulled up the number and listened as the phone range, his hands were shaking while he waited. Andrew moved his hand to Kevin’s knee and squeezed, grounding him. He looked at the man he loved and smiled, though it was shaky, and placed his left hand overtop Andrews.

“Kevin?”

“... _Dad?_ ”

“What’s going on?” Wymack sounded nervous, Kevin only called him ‘dad’ when things were serious.

“Neil.”

“Is he-”

“No. Dad, Neil.. He- he woke up.” Kevin started to cry. He listened to Wymack yell at Abby to come to the phone and began to tell him how great that was until he realized Kevin wasn't celebrating.

“What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“We got to the hospital, Andrew and I. A-and there were officers there. He ran Dad, they can’t find him.”

“Where are you now? Are you in Columbia? Abby pack the bags.”

“No, Andrew and I think he might be headed to the stadium. Herrera didn’t even have a chance to run any test on him, he ran before she got back from calling Andrew.”

“ _Fucking christ_ ,” Wymack growled. “How’d he even- nevermind, it’s not important. Look kid, stay with Andrew. Abby and I are packing out, we’ll call from the road. Call me if you hear anything okay?”

“We will.”

“And Kevin?”

“Yeah, dad?”

“Breathe. You and Andrew will find him. It’s going to be fine.”

Kevin let out a stuttering breath, “Okay.” Then he hung up.

“We’re an hour out.” Andrew said, his hand still held fast to Kevin’s leg. We’re coming baby, Kevin thought.

Andrew sped on.

\----------------------------------------------------

Neil was numb. His body operating solely on muscle memory. When he woke up in the hospital in Columbia, a doctor had removed the tubes from his nose and approached him with caution. Her brown eyes worried over him as she took his vitals and asked him questions like “ _do you know your name” “do you know where you are._ ” He’d stayed quiet, he didn’t trust her. Didn’t trust any of them, especially when he couldn’t remember why he was in the hospital to begin with.

His body felt weak, everything about it foreign. When she’d left the room he’d lifted his shirt to look at his scars, cataloging the old wounds and doing a visual assessment to find any new injuries. When he didn’t find anything, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and attempted to stand.

It _hurt_.

Standing hurt. He didn’t know why he could barely hold up his own weight, but he was sure he needed to get out. He pulled the IV from his arm, and the monitors from his arms, then made his way as quickly and quietly from the room as he could. After a short search, he slipped down the stairs and out the back of the hospital. Relieving himself of his bracelet on the way.

Neil found himself at a gas station, where he found a sympathetic truck driver heading towards Palmetto. After explaining he’d been jumped, and that’s why he had no shoes, she’d agreed to drive him to campus. _Dumb luck_ , he thought. He knew it wouldn’t last, but crawled into the truck anyways.

She had to make a number of deliveries between Columbia and campus, so the drive took longer than he would have liked. His heart beat out of his chest nearly the whole way. Silently he sat, nodding along as she prattled on about her family and a number of topics; All the while he tried to remember how he’d ended up in the hospital. _Where was Andrew? Where is my phone?_ Nothing made sense.

Eventually they made it to the exit and Neil breathed a sigh of relief. She pulled into a gas station just down Perimeter drive from the stadium. After thanking her profusely, and assuring her he’d be okay, he climbed down from the truck and waved as she pulled away with a honk of her horn.

“Stadium first.” he muttered. Wymack would be at the stadium at this time, regardless of what day it was. He made his way steadily towards the white and orange walls that felt like _home._ His muscles ached, and each breath tore through him like he’d just run a marathon. _Maybe I was drugged? I had to have been,_ he thought.

An eternity later, he finally found himself in front of the gate. Breathing a sigh of relief, he sat down for a moment to rest. He came too sometime later, the sun was fading, and his back was still pressed against the metal bars. He didn’t remember falling asleep. His body was lead and his feet were raw. Using all his remaining strength, he pulled himself up and towards the keypad where he punched in his code.

The light flashed red. The gate remained locked. _What the hell?_ He thought.

He tried again... Red.

He tried another code... Red.

His breath came in too fast, vision narrowing to his shaking fingers against the keypad.

Over, and over, and over, and over, he pressed numbers. Each time he was met with a flash of _red_.

A scream tore from his throat, and black spots danced in the tunnel of his vision. _What the fuck is happening? Where’s Andrew? Where is everyone? What happened? What happened, what happenedwhathappenedwhathappen-_

He lost himself then, to blind panic. Sliding down the metal bars he crashed to the pavement, bringing his too thin legs to his chest and tugging at his hair with relentless hands.

Everything was wrong _wrong wrong_. He couldn’t breathe. He tried. Each attempt failed as his lungs outright refused to draw breath. Tears streaming down his face he leaned over and began to wretch. His stomach was empty and so only bile and spit came out. It was repugnant. Neil wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve and gripped his knees tightly to his chest. Resting his head atop them, he rocked back and forth, crying… for the first time since Lola.

\-------------------------------

The rental peeled into the parking lot of the Foxhole court. Before the headlights even illuminated the small figure outside the gate, Kevin had his seatbelt undone and was opening the door. The car pulled along the curb a few feet away from him; _Neil..._

Kevin was running before Andrew had it in park. He stopped a few feet from Neil, as the man lifted his head slowly from his knees. He was so small. It wasn’t like it had been long since the last time Kevin had seen him, it was just… He was so broken. Arms clutching at his knees, tears streaming down his beautiful scarred cheeks. His blue eyes were wide and frightened.

“ _Baby?_ ” Kevin breathed. Neil's face went from panic to confusion, a crease forming between his dark brows. He rocked back, almost involuntarily.

“Baby? What _the fuck_ Kevin. Where’s Andrew?” Kevin’s heart stopped. Neil sounded almost angry, he looked to where Andrew had finally made around the front of the car; halfway between Kevin and Neil. His face was hard, eyes locked on their partner still on the ground.

“Neil?” He said, his voice betraying the emotion that was barely readable on his face.

“Who else?” Neil huffed, almost indignantly. “Look, I don’t know what the _hell_ is going on, but I woke up in Columbia and my code won't work. _Oh!_ ” He laughed somewhat hysterically, “And I think you need to tell Kevin to lay off the vodka. He called me ‘baby’.”

Kevin let out a broken sob, and crumpled against the car.

Andrew’s keys clattered to the ground.

Kevin was shaking his head, hands pulling at his hair. When Andrew looked at him, his eyes were swimming with pain.. Kevin’s selfish heart shattered as he watched Neil stumble to his feet and make his way to Andrews' side. He _hated_ the jealousy he felt in that moment. Andrew’s gaze was still locked to his, though his left arm lifted for Neil to tuck under.

“No… _No_ ,” Kevin choked.

“What’s your problem Day?” Neil scoffed. Andrew drew in a sharp breath, and Kevin let out a humorless laugh. 

_"My problem,"_ he muttered and pulled his head between his own knees. The pain in his chest was endless.

He felt hollow.

He was half aware of Andrew pulling out his phone with the hand not currently holding Neil.

“Bee,” he heard him say. “Get to the court. Right. Fucking. Now. ”


	3. For Fear of Moments Stolen, I don't Wanna Say Goodnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry in advance for:  
> -the angst  
> -the sads  
> -the short chapter
> 
> GOOD NEWS: I have this entire fic officially mapped out (events and things). I'm not sure how many chapters it will be but for sure but count on quite a few (a long journey). I plan to have this span about a years time with two separate epilogues covering events right after this year ends and a second event 4 or so years after that. I'm honestly excited and while, I know this is dark I PROMISE that love and hope and just good things are coming. I wanted to explore falling back in love. It's my experience that you can fall in love multiple times, in different ways with the same person (it doesn't have to include amnesia but I'm doing it for the angst.) 
> 
> Thank you to everyone coming on this journey with me, for all the lovely comments and kudos <3 This time is hard for so many in the world and the joy y'all have brought me by even giving my writing a chance is, beyond words honestly. I love you all dearly.
> 
> TW for this chapter: Puke and panic attacks. 
> 
> Stay safe my beautiful humans <3 -Kenzi

**_4 years and 2 months ago….._ **

_“Hey, erm Hi. I’m Kevin.” He’d always felt comfortable speaking in front of the public, but this was different. He stood at the front of the room, hand shaking around the chip it held, “1” flashing in the fluorescent light from above his head. He took a steadying breath and lifted his eyes from his hands to scan the room. They were all there, Neil with his proud smile and encouraging dip of his head. Andrew, his face as stoney as ever but Kevin could see the gleam in his eye, he felt just as strongly about today as Neil. Betsy, a serene and lovely smile dancing across her face. And there was Wymack, arms folded across his chest and a face reminiscent of that he wore when they won the championship. “I uh, I don’t exactly know how to say thank you. To everyone here in this room, and behind the scenes. I never thought I’d get here if I’m being honest. One year sober, that’s…. That’s really something.”_

_There were murmured agreements from the gathered crowd of his weekly meeting. He laughed a little then, taking a moment to gather as many words as he could. He was ready for this speech to be over, if he was being honest. “I guess, as most of you know, I grew up in the dark. Not just in here-” he tapped at his head, “but a literal pit. A void. A place that bred self-loathing and violence, and I found my salvation in the bottom of a bottle. And then it changed, I was dragged into the light by a fleeting moment of fear, or courage. I’m not entirely sure. And when the dust settled I was left with a family. I, uh, there’s.. Well there isn’t a day I’m not grateful for them.” Kevin smiled then, eyes scanning his family. “Thank you, everyone here. But especially y’all. My family, for fighting for me. For chasing away the darkness. For this.” He held up the chip a final time and then nodded before walking off towards his seat. The applause and chorus of cheers felt louder somehow, than those in the stadium. He felt a flush high in his cheeks as he slid into the chair between Andrew and Neil and sighed._

_A smaller hand to his left threaded with his, and Neil leaned over to whisper in his ear. “I’m so proud of you baby, I love you.”_

_“I love you.” He replied. Neil kissed him on his cheek and he melted into the moment._

_“Queen.” Came from his right and he turned to see Andrew’s eyes already on him. He smiled when Andrew reached for his other hand and gave it 3 quick squeezes; Andrew’s way of conveying the words he couldn’t say. Kevin smiled brighter, and repeated the gesture._ I love you.

_He felt infinite._

\------------------------------------------------

Not for the first time, Andrew loathed his perfect recall. It allowed the worst moments of his life to be cinematic fuel for his nightmares. Fate was a cruel bitch, and he knew as he saw Kevin sink to the ground before Neil, his face a beautiful study in destruction, that it would haunt him. Waiting on Bee was endless, even though he knew logically it was only about 20 minutes.

20 minutes listening to Kevin sob, so broken the sounds weren’t human any longer.

20 minutes of Neil clinging to his side while he looked at Kevin, his face a cross between confusion and disgust. At one point, halfway through Andrew’s third cigarette, Neil whispered something about morose drunks. It wasn’t quiet. Kevin let out a dark laugh. Andrew thought he might be sick. Neil didn’t remember any of it...

20 minutes applying every calming technique he could while the world shattered at his feet.

\---------------------------------------------------

To say Neil was confused would be an understatement. From the moment a strange car pulled up carrying a crying Kevin and a noticeably distraught Andrew he felt the panic clawing at his throat. He wasn’t happy when Andrew demanded Besty come meet them, Andrew knew he wasn’t comfortable around the therapist. _Maybe it’s for him?_ Neil looked back to Andrew, there were fine lines starting around his eyes, pulled tight with the strain of whatever was floating in his head. They hadn’t been there yesterday, which seemed odd. People don’t just wrinkle overnight. That thought provoked more, he pulled slightly away from the shorter man and began to notice more small differences. Andrew looked slightly older, a day’s worth of stubble at least was prominent across his chiseled jawline. Weird, Andrew shaved every morning like clockwork there was no reason he should be so unkempt. _What the fuck had happened last night?_

Neil turned his attention to the sloppy-drunk mess that was Kevin on the ground a few feet away. He couldn’t see his eyes through the evening light, but the shadows beneath them were evident. He was curled in on himself, a coin rolling back and forth across the knuckles of his left hand. He’d never seen Kevin do that before, his hands either held an Exy racquet or a pen. He seemed in a trance, watching the coin flip over itself in a never-ending pattern.

As if he knew Neil was watching him he looked up, his eyes were glassy and the coin stilled. He almost looked, _hopeful?_ No that wasn’t the right word, what the fuck would Kevin look at him like that for. Neil scrunched his brows together in confusion and Kevin’s tears fell once again. It was honestly fucking ridiculous. “God, he’s such a morose drunk. Like we get it, your life kinda sucks right now. Grow up.” He mumbled to Andrew, looking to see a sign of amusement. Instead, Andrew’s mouth twitched downward and his body, still holding Neil’s, stiffened. He was a statue, and his sharp intake of breath was echoed by Kevin’s dead laugh.

God, Neil was tired. He remained silent until the tiny yellow VW bug pulled into the parking lot.

Betsy, true to form, parked perfectly in a space in the front row closest to the three on the sidewalk. _Always perfection,_ Neil thought incredulously. He straightened and stepped slightly away from Andrew as she made her way towards them, mousey brown bob swishing along her shoulders. Andrew let his hand drop without ceremony and stamped his cigarette out beneath his black Doc Martens.

“Hello Andrew,” She smiled, though Neil could see the hesitation there. She looked older like this, as she approached them with the same caution you’d approach a cornered animal. “Neil,” she nodded and he mirrored the motion halfheartedly. “And where's…. _Oh, Kevin_.”

Betsy took a step towards Kevin when Neil’s confusion and irritation reached a fever pitch. “Oh just leave him Betsy, he’s drunk. It’s not like you haven’t seen him like this before.” Betsy’s sharp intake of breath was audible, Neil’s rant continued. “I don’t know why exactly Andrew called you instead of taking us back to the tower. He knows, no offense, that your whole-” his moved his hands in an all encompassing motion at Betsy, “-thing isn’t really my style. I’m fine, honestly. And Kevin just needs some water. If you want to talk to Andrew that’s cool but can you let him take me back first? I need a fucking shower.”

Throughout his entire tirade he was met with three sets of eyes, unblinking; three jaws partially hanging open. Palpable awkwardness. _Jesus Christ_.

“See?” Andrew growled and Neil shot him a glare.

“Neil,” Betsy’s voice was soft but her brown eyes were calculating, scanning him from top to bottom before continuing. “Would you mind telling me what you remember from yesterday, if it’s not too much trouble?”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.” Andrew repeated; a demand. “Uhm, well…” Neil’s eyebrows pinched as he fought the pounding in his head and tried to remember yesterday. _Why was this so hard?_ “I woke up, went for a run, went to class and then watched a documentary with Andrew in the dorm?”

“What was the documentary about?” Betsy asked, calmly.

“Fuck, I don’t remember. I wasn’t _exactly_ paying attention the whole time.” He looked at Andrew with a small smirk, the look wasn’t reciprocated in the least.

Neil shook his head.

“What did you do next?”

“Well when we-the documentary was over, Kevin came barging in the room bitching about us being lazy and dragged us to practice. Which, I mean I’m always down for practice-”

“Junkie”

“-but I was honestly a little pissed about,” He continued with a glare at Kevin for good measure. “And why is that?” Betsy took another step closer to Neil and he had to fight not to recoil. A warm hand pressed the back of his neck, _Andrew always knew._ Neil didn’t know why his heart was beating so fast, his head throbbing in time with each thud.

“Because… _Fuck,_ I don’t know. Because, I wanted to just stay home? Look I get that Riko just died, and Kevin and Thea are like ‘on a break’ or whatever. But it’s a little ridiculous you know? We can never just have a _night._ ”

“Say that again.” Andrew’s voice was hard. Kevin, who had stood up during Neil’s interrogation, was frozen mid-step.

“Say what again?”

“The last part?”

Andrew just stared at him, his eyes dark and angry.

“It was ridiculous?”

“I think he means what you said just before,” Betsy prompted.

“Kevin and Thea broke up? Riko’s dead? It’s not like you don’t know this. He’s been drunk or at the court for a week straight, Andrew.” He waved his hand at Kevin as if to say ‘see exhibit A’.

“Neil,” Kevin’s voice was small. He’d finally made his way to the group huddle, eyes puffy and hands shaking.

“ _What_ ,” Neil snapped.

“What…” He looked to Betsy who nodded. The group collectively held its breath. “Neil, how old are you?”

“...Nineteen...” The word was soft, drawn out.

“Oh dear,” Betsy said at the same time Kevin said “No” and Andrew dropped his hand from Neil’s neck with a harsh “Fuck.”

“W-why did you ask me that?” Neil’s breath was coming in sharp pants now, he felt cold down to his bones. He started to look frantically between the three shocked faces. “What’s going on? Why don’t y-you know? Why is everyone looking at me like this w-what-” his vision was swimming. He was going to pass out. Andrew’s hand clamped on his neck but it did nothing to calm the storm ripping its way through Neil. _What’s happening? What’s happening what’s happeningwhatshap-_

“NEIL!” He opened his eyes and was met with amber. “You need to breathe.”

He tried.

He choked on the air and began to retch.

Everything was wrong, wrong, _wrong._

\--------------------------------------------

Neil stayed on his hands and knees, Andrew half holding him. Betsy talked him slowly through the panic attack. And Kevin… Kevin stood by the car.

He had tried to rub soothing circles onto Neil’s lower back, his own version of the ‘hand thing’ Andrew does when he panics, when Neil had screamed _don’t fucking touch me!_

He was completely empty inside. Neil thought- Neil thought he was _drunk_. That Riko and Thea had just been last week. Just over **four years** of memory, _gone_. Their entire relationship, _nothing_.

_Erased._

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t okay. He remembered Andrew; _them._ But Kevin was… Was, _nothing_.

Bile clawed its way up his throat and Kevin found himself puking all over the pavement, hand braced on the hood of the rental, as a second set of headlights came flying into the parking lot. He was still retching, sharp painful contractions on an empty stomach, when Abby’s hand began drawing circles on his upper back.

“Kevin, sweetheart what happened?” her voice was soft and drenched in concern. He straightened and drug a hand across his mouth and brow. Before finding his father’s eyes above Abby’s head. What Wymack saw there must have been enough because he swore violently. His twisted back to see Andrew holding a panicked Neil with Betsy close by murmuring, then turned once more to Kevin.

“Kevin…” He prompted.

“He… He said he’s _19_ dad.”

“Oh god,” Abby whispered; Wymack swore.

“H-he thinks, he thinks I’m d-drunk. Th-that Riko and Thea w-were last-” Kevin was crying again, which was surprising, surely a person could run out of tears. Abby and Wymack surrounded him, and he sunk into his family. He didn’t realize how much he needed to be held, how much he needed to be comforted until this moment.

A bitter thought made its way, unbidden, to the forefront of his mind. His fucking _partner_ hadn’t even touched him since they arrived at the stadium.

It was a train of thought he quickly abandoned. Neil needed Andrew now.

 _God, this is so fucked_.

“Shh,” Abby mumbled against his shoulder. “We’re going to figure this out okay? I’m going to check on Neil now. David y-”

“I got him.” With a final squeeze of his bicep Abby moved to the group. Wymack, in a show of support, kept his hand firmly planted on Kevin’s left shoulder. Kevin had brought his chip out again, rolling it across his knuckles while the two men stood vigil, watching Betsy and Abby work.

“Kevin, I’m so sorry..”

“What if… What if he never remembers dad?” The question was flat. Devoid of the pain that had been felt when Kevin’s soul was torn from his body.

“Don’t you dare.” The response was growled, and Kevin blinked. Andrew had made his way to stand in front of him. He reached up dragging Kevin’s head down to his level, pressing his forehead firmly against the taller man.

“An-”

“No. Don’t. You. Fucking. _Dare_.” Kevin swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded, closing his eyes and breathing in the smokey scent of his partner. Andrew still held Kevin to him as he spoke again, “We’re going to take him back to Columbia now okay? Do you want to come with Neil and I or do you want to ride with your dad and Abby?”

“He doesn’t want me with you two, he doesn’t-”

“What do you want Kevin?”

“I don’t want to be alone.” He whispered. Andrew kissed Kevin on his forehead, a show of quiet affection he would normally never allow in public, then stepped away. “Neil!” He half shouted and an auburn head snapped their direction from the curb. “Get in the car. Queen and I are taking you back to Columbia now. The others will follow.” Neil nodded and made his way to the front seat with a final curious glance towards Kevin and Andrew. He hadn’t seen what happened before, of that Kevin was sure. If he had Kevin expected he would have been yelled at, at the very least, if not worse.

 _This is so fucked_.

\-------------------------------------

The drive back to Columbia Gen was somehow longer than the race to Palmetto. The car was devoid of any sound but the synchronized breaths of the three men. Neil rode up front, knees pulled to his chest and head resting against the passenger window. He shot glances at Andrew every few minutes but never once spoke.

Kevin was a ghost haunting the seat behind him, face drawn in stark contrast by the passing lights, eyes gone completely dead. Andrew watched him most of all, from the rear-view mirror. He’d seen Kevin like this only once before, after the accident; _it terrified him_.

Moving slowly so as to not draw Neil’s attention, and therefore questions for which he had no answers, Andrew shifted his right hand on the steering wheel. Firmly taking control of the car with it, he slid his left hand back between the seat and door beside him. It took but a moment to find Kevin’s hand and link their fingers together.

He looked again at Kevin and was met with cold, green eyes in the reflection of the mirror.

He squeezed three times. _I love you._

Kevin only stared.

Andrew’s heart pounded painfully, off-kilter behind his ribs. He could feel a stinging in his eyes. _He would not cry._

He squeezed again, harder this time. **_I love you_**.

He waited...

He held his breath.

Kevin squeezed back. _I love you._

Andrew let out his breath in a gust.

\------------------------------

Neil watched the way Andrew watched Kevin. He didn’t understand.

He pulled his knees tighter to his chest and hoped this was all a bad dream, but he feared it wasn’t.

He kept breathing slowly, willing the panic to stay at bay.

_My name is Neil Abram Josten_. He told himself. _Starting Striker. #10. Palmetto State Foxes._

_My name is Neil Abram Josten. Striker. #10. Palmetto State Foxes._

_My name is Neil Josten. #10. Palmetto._

_My name is Neil Josten._

_My name is Neil._

_My name._

_My-_


	4. There can't be solace every time you cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to apologize in advance for the fact that my first chapter back is SHORT AF (like a mini chapter).
> 
> It was really to get in the groove of writing. With the pandemic I started to lose my drive to write. I spent so many days just reading and hiding from my AUs. I couldn't find the inspiration even to write angst, even for a fic I have planned entirely. I sat down countless times in the last two months to write and I couldn't make the words happen. Then the US melted down, I've been protesting and working and just.. mentally exhausted. 
> 
> Anyways, this is my first published writing in two months, it's not up to par with the work I normally find pride in. However, it's helped to kick my ass a bit back into gear.
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy this, and I'm so sorry in advance that it's heartbreaking. I promise the happy is coming (small happy moments and larger ones) but it is not this day. Today, we cry like men
> 
> I hope you are all safe and well, I love you all dearly.  
> -Kenz

The lights had long since dimmed in the private room inside Columbia general. Neil’s breathing was regular, his small form intertwined with that of Andrew’s on the bed. The latter was awake, Kevin knew. It was highly unlikely either of them would sleep tonight, although they, with the help, had convinced Neil to sleep; the fear was still there.

The moon cast his partners’ faces in stark relief against the white sheets. Andrew, a dark creature holding the small body, an auburn head tucked against his neck. Kevin watched from his chair on Neil’s right, one he’d only dared move this close once the medicine had dragged him into a deep slumber. Kevin looked back to the chip dancing endlessly across his knuckles.

_Flip, flip, flip, roll under. Again._

_Flip, flip, flip, roll under. Again_

_Flip, flip-_

“Queen,” the whispered word broke the silence and Kevin clutched the chip, slowly dragging his eyes to meet amber. He stared blankly, too broken to feel more than numb.

“... I’m sorry.”

Kevin blinked. Somewhere in his brain he registered that this was the first time he’d _ever_ heard those words come from Andrew’s mouth. Sure, he had apologized in his own ways before when he’d fucked up, but never said it. “Don’t.”

“Kevin.” Andrew’s voice sharpened like a blade, the reprimand clear. Kevin continued to stare before his eyes slid over to Neil and he felt the now-familiar sting in the back of his throat. He swallowed the glass and returned to his monotonous chip-trick. With each roll of his knuckles, he recited one single line from the all to familiar prayer in his head: _accept the things I cannot change_.

“God-dammit Day, look at me.” The plea was harsh and broken. “I’ll fix this. We.. We can fix this. We will fix…” he trailed off as Kevin looked back at him and stood.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,” he whispered.

“The courage to change that which you can,” Andrew growled even as his eyes glassed over. Kevin shook his head slowly, eyes falling closed with a batch of fresh tears. He took a steadying breath and looked back to Andrew, even as he began backing towards the door.

“... And the wisdom to know the difference.”

“Kevin!” the whispered shout was drowning in grief, the pain evident stalled Kevin’s hand on the doorknob for only a moment, before he spoke his final words to the door.

“I love you, you know. Irrevocably, I love you both.” and then he was through the door.

********************************************

_I love you too._

The door closed with a quiet click and Andrew’s hand flew to his mouth, smothering the scream that was trying to work it’s way from his throat. His chest contracted painfully and for an excruciating moment he was sure all his ribs shattered. He was pulled in, curling around Neil’s sleeping form as his body attempted to fold completely in on itself.

Seconds, minutes later, he finally drew a stuttering breath through his fingers. His eyes staring listlessly at the 120 ceiling tiles above... And the tears finally fell.

_I’m crying_.

The thought itself was strange, he hadn’t allowed himself to cry even when Neil had has his accident. He had wanted to, but the tears wouldn’t come. He had thought then that tears meant acceptance, that Neil was gone. And that wasn’t something he would allow himself to accept. _Ever._ So why now, would he cry?

He didn’t accept this. _He wouldn’t._ And yet they fell, dancing down the plains of his chronically emotionless face, soaking into the auburn curls below his chin. He squeezed the small man in his arms tighter, like he could hold himself together if he never let go.

He pressed his lips firmly against Neil’s forehead and turned his blurry eyes to the door.

_Come back,_ he silently begged.

_I can’t do this without you, come back._

_I need you…_

_Come home._

Neil remained asleep, the light in the room shifting as dawn approached.

Years of un-shed emotion endlessly sliding from his eyes; Andrew alone, stood vigil.


	5. There Can't Be Solace Every Time You Cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back (back, back)
> 
> Kinda. Okay so if you read anything I write you know by now that I'm notoriously irregular with posting anything and I'm basically human garbage. For that I'm sorry. I swear everything I write comes with an obligatory apology and accompanying reasons... so here is chapter 5's:
> 
> BASICALLY, I lost all motivation. But then I found some, so here's this. 
> 
> I can't promise it will be good. I honestly haven't even read back through it and I don't have a beta on this project so... it is what it is. Enjoy a healthy dose of angst, topped with depression-sprinkles, and smothered in the big-sads. 
> 
> I'm (not) sorry.

_One year and 2 months ago, Kevin’s 3rd Sober Birthday…_

_“HOLY SHIT!” Nicky yelled from the back porch of the house in Columbia. It was Kevin’s party and Andrew had (rather graciously) allowed the entire Fox family, including Coach and Abby, Bee, and even Jeremy and Jean over to celebrate. Andrew looked up from the sink where he was pretending to do the dishes in order for some reprieve, and through the kitchen window. The music was ridiculously loud. The Foxes made up for a lack of alcohol with an abundance of fucking nonsense._

_Neil was currently holding a microphone and standing on a table that had become a makeshift Karaoke stage, the entire party gathered around at his feet; Kevin was dancing. Andrew made his way outside as the song played through the first chorus, the entire team singing along. Neil was swaying to the beat, hips moving salaciously and blue eyes smoldering. Andrew had to stifle a snort, his smallest idiot was serenading his giant one shamelessly._

_Neil looked up then, eyes instantly on Andrew. That devilish smirk dancing across his beautiful face, the fairy lights Nicky had insisted upon, lighting him in an ethereal glow. He lifted his hand and pointed directly at him. “-You’ll never know the psychopath sitting next to you-” Andrew shook his head, dumb ass. He then pointed at himself and continued easily.._

_“-You’ll never know the murderer sitting next to you-” The entire party screamed at the callouts, and Neil threw his head back and laughed. His smooth, and rather lovely voice continued on to the chorus. By which time Kevin had apparently decided the “stage” looked sound enough for them both, and joined Neil to scream.._

_“ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HEATHENS, TAKE IT SLOW” bouncing around like they were indeed twenty one pilots._

_Andrew lit a cigarette and smiled, his gaze where it always was, steadily locked on the two halves of his black heart._

*******************

Neil woke slowly.

The first thing he was truly aware of was a warmth on his left, and a steady-beating heart beneath his ear. He blinked and lifted his head to look at Andrew, moving carefully so as not to be caught by a fist for startling the blonde.

“You can move, idiot. I’m awake, and it’s been two years since I last tried to murder you for flinching in your sleep.” Andrew’s voice was hoarse and low. Looking up Neil saw the other evidence of a man who hadn’t slept at all last night. Deep bruises begun beneath swollen eyes, the rims lined in a pink he’d never seen. _Andrew was crying?_ Now that the thought had come he catalogued all the evidence and debating saying something. As if Andrew could read his mind, he shoved neil with a gruff “Move. I need a smoke.”

“‘M sorry,” Neil mumbled and hurried to help Andrew free himself from the rather embarrassing cuddle Neil had trapped him in. Andrew shot him a glare that, on a normal day would have been considered murderous, but the effect was somewhat dampened by the evidence of last night still etched across his face. “Dont.”

Neil nodded his head slowly and watched as Andrew slipped into the hallway, door clicking shut behind him. He took a deep breath and counted to thirty in french, eyes closed, forcibly relaxing his tired body. Last night had been… well, Neil didn’t know what exactly to make of what had happened.

They'd said a lot. About his medical history, his accident. They told him big truths, hoping to jump-start his memories with meaningless anecdotes about his college career, and yet he knew…

They were dancing around a larger truth, every one of them. They thought he didn’t see the looks that passed over his head when certain stories or comments were stopped almost as quickly as they were started; he had. Just as he’d cataloged every flash of pain that danced across Andrew’s face when he looked at Kevin. He’d seemed almost guilty, and after the nth time he’d seen that look he finally asked.

“Andrew, are we still… ‘not-nothing’ or whatever or are we, did that-“

“Hey junkie?” Andrew graciously interrupted that train wreck, his eyes had darted from Neil’s face to Kevin’s and back again.

“Mm?”

“406%” came the answer.. Neil’s smile was so big he felt his lips crack, at least that hadn’t changed.

It was only now, after Andrew had left and replayed the exchange over again, that he realized he may have asked the wrong question. Though the _right_ question seemed to elude him still.

Clearly he was getting nowhere, and so after a handful of minutes reflecting on all that he’d learned Neil Josten slipped from his bed. A quick trip to the bathroom connected to his room saw him losing time again as he stared into the face of a stranger. He hadn’t had the courage or even the inclination to look at his own reflection. So like his father’s with each hour he grew older, Neil took pains to avoid looking unless it was necessary. But that was before, before he’d lost four years. His hands shook where he gripped the edge of the tiny stainless steel sink. He looked at himself long enough for the frightening reality of _him_ to blur around the edges; it seemed fitting. Neil Josten was an impressionist painting. The idea of a student, a friend, a teammate, a lover, a man. To the rest of the world he’d had time to come to terms with the reality of _being_. And yet, to him it had only been a matter of weeks since he’d become real, again… for the first time.

He looked gaunt, paler than normal, and yet still familiar- for the most unfair reasons. He noted quickly that his scars had fully healed to a stark-white pattern of burns and lines. They’d always be there to attract unwanted attention, to turn every stranger on the street into a problem. He shook his head, he was real. _Realrealrealreal_.

He felt like a ghost.

Andrew still hadn’t returned when he came back from his time inside the mirror, and so he made his way into the hallway. He had no intention of running again, but he couldn’t stay in that stupid room any longer. He exited the room and glanced left. The nurses station was close, but he couldn’t speak to another human in scrubs. _He couldn’t speak to anyone_. He didn’t have that in him, his cup of trauma had long since begun overflowing. He didn’t owe them anything. He turned right and followed the hall to the exit sign at the end, the stairs.

The door was heavy and closed behind him with a resounding thud in the cement silence. He moved slowly, climbing stair after stair. With each foot he moved up he muttered a fact that he remembered about himself. Moving through his life starting in Millport, he refused to start any earlier. He drowned himself in memories of his freshman year and, as he worked his way up the final flight his memories began to slow.

“You were amazing.”

Step.

“You never learned how to duck?”

Step.

“Kevin’s neck is red.”

Step.

“I’m not nothing.”

Step.

“Champions.”

Step.

“Andrew.”

Step.

“An-” he stopped, no longer alone. On the last landing, head tilted back and eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, was Kevin. His knees were bent, pulled tightly to his chest as he rested his elbows on his knees. That weird little coin danced across the knuckles of his left hand flawlessly, even though he wasn’t looking at it. Neil froze in the silence, head cocked slightly to the side he studied Kevin.

He knew that Kevin knew he was there, and yet he wouldn’t look at Neil. It was confusing for many reasons, Kevin shouldn’t be here. In fact he’d assumed he’d gone back to wherever it was he was playing now, not hiding in a staircase in Columbia. He wondered again if Kevin was here for Andrew, if maybe they were doing _nothing_ together now- since Neil had been gone. But Andrew had told him they were still together, not in so many words but the intention behind the percentage was clear. He almost let out a little laugh, _Andrew_ and _Kevin_. What a fucking joke.

The thought came unbidden to him, from a deep place in his heart and the moment it made itself known, he knew it rang true: He would understand. He didn’t own Andrew, and never had a claim on any piece of him. If that’s why Kevin was waiting in a staircase, why they were in the same car and why, though they thought he didn’t see, they’d held each other in subtle ways since last night. Eyes locked, little brushes against each other which would seem innocuous to anyone who didn’t know how _important_ that familiarity was in relation to Andrew. He would understand.

Kevin’s deep voice was little more than a rasp in the cement chamber, “Finish your list.”

“Why?” Neil asked softly, subconsciously matching the volume in which Kevin spoke.

“Just, finish the list.”

“Andrew.” Neil whispered.

Kevin nodded his head against the wall, and seemed to deflate. He still wouldn’t look at Neil.

Irritation and confusion won out and Neil raised his voice, “Why are you here, Kevin?”

“I’m not drunk.” Kevin said, apropos of nothing.

“O...kay?” Neil asked, a little humor in his voice then. It felt nice, “Are you sure? Because I asked why you’re here, not if you’ve decided to down a bottle of vodka in a hospital.”

“I wasn’t drunk last night either.” Kevin sounded as broken as he looked when his eyes finally left the ceiling to stare back at Neil. The weird white lights did nothing for the man on the floor before him, he looked gaunt. Hollowed out. He stared earnestly into Neil’s eyes as he said again, “I wasn’t drunk.” And flipped the weird coin to Neil.

He caught it from the air, reflexes still intact even after all this time, albeit slower than they had once been. He smirked in celebration and opened a scarred palm to look at his prize. It took his brain a moment to come to terms with what he held and the useless coin grew heavy, weighed down with importance and truth he didn’t understand. Kevin spoke again softly and he could feel those green eyes burning holes through him as every little comment he’d made in the last 24 hours came barreling back; Neil felt sick.

“Four years. Two months. 3 days. And give or take 45 minutes, depending on how long I’ve been up here. I’m not really sure anymore.”

“Kev, I.. I’m so-”

“Don’t. I can’t hear you apologize right now, not for this. I know it’s not your fault.” Neil raised his eyes from the chip to meet Kevin’s. “It was because of you, you know? I did it for myself too, and my game. But you were the reason I even tried.”

“Why?” the word was barely audible above the pounding of Neil’s heart in his ears.

“It’s not important, not really. But it mattered to me that you knew my truth in this, that you _understood_.” Kevin’s smile was humorless. “I wasn’t drunk when I saw you outside the court, and I know none of this makes sense to you and that’s okay. It doesn’t need to, not anymore. I’m aware that how I acted towards you was at best confusing, and at worst a complete violation of your person.”

“But I don’t understand…” Neil pleaded with his eyes, this moment felt heavy. His heart felt like it was breaking for a reason he couldn’t comprehend, and he _needed_ to understand.

“It’s okay.” Kevin’s smile turned soft and a single tear spilled over, tracking a path through the chess piece tattooed on his cheek. “I’m sorry, Neil. for touching you without asking first, that wasn’t my first mistake last night but it’s important to me that you know I’m sorry for violating your space in that way.”

Neil wanted so badly to tell him it was okay, that he’d overreacted because he was confused. The hand on his back hadn’t hurt, he’d forgotten about it if he was honest with himself. But here Kevin was, so adamant and apologetic for a slight that seemed insignificant when weighed against this moment, and all that had happened since he woke.

“And I’m so sorry,” more tears followed the first though Kevin’s voice remained steady. “For _everything_ that’s happening to you right now. If there was a way I could take this away from you, take this pain and confusion, know that I would. Without question. But I can’t... “I can only promise that I’ll do my best to take away what I can, to help make the pieces of your life as you remember it fit in a way that brings you peace-”

“What does that even mean?” Neil half shouted his interruption, and the sound of his voice echoed around them. The walls of the stairwell around him sliding every closer. Before Kevin could answer or finish what it was that he’d been saying, his phone rang. The song was about heathens and the beat struck a chord somewhere in his mind. Neil reached for it frantically, but it slipped away before he could grasp it.

“Yeah, he’s with me, top of the East stairwell.” a pause. “I.. I can’t Andrew. I’m sorry.” Kevin lowered the phone from his ear and slid it into his pocket as he stood slowly. He closed the distance to Neil, and for a moment he simply stared with glassy eyes. Neil looked on helplessly at his broken friend, his captain, and placed the chip in Kevin’s hand.

“Thank you,” Kevin whispered in the space between them, and those two words sounded like they had when he’d spoken them to Andrew. Like goodbye.

Kevin brushed past where Neil stood, and began descending the stairs with heavy steps. “Kevin!” Neil shouted, and whirled around to see Kevin’s back, paused on the last step. “Yeah?” he responded without turning.

For a moment he stayed silent, and then “I… uh. It’s just. I-I just wanted to say. About the sobriety thing, that uhm. I’m proud of you.” The words didn’t feel like enough, and Neil had to hold his breath. Why it was he’d even wanted to stop Kevin from leaving, why anything he’d felt in the last five minutes had been the way they were was confusing and yet, this felt important. Familiar.

Kevin flinched. A full body flinch, and with shoulders drawn to his ears he choked out, “Goodbye, Neil.” and disappeared through the door.

It was only a matter of minutes before the door Kevin had exited was slammed open, and a clearly livid Andrew Minyard managed to stare down at him even from that angle. “Where’s Kevin?” _Where’sKevinWhere’sKevinWhere’sKevin_ Neil must not have answered because suddenly he wasn’t alone on the landing, Andrew stood in front of him and drug a thumb under his eye. “Neil, why are you crying?” he asked softly. Neil hadn’t been aware that he was. _Where’sKevinWhere’sKevinWhere’sKevin_ his mind was an endless loop, his heart was shattering and breath felt strangled. It didn’t make sense, but. But, he was falling, falling and he didn’t know why. It was all wrong, all so very fucking wrong an-

“NEIL.” Andrew snapped.

And Neil whispered back, “He’s gone.” Before he broke entirely.


End file.
